Life As We Know It Is A Gas

     Methane gas to be really exact.  This is not, however, a chemistry lesson.  This is just a musing about flatulence.  Human flatulence.  We all have it.  We all have to expel it.  We all have different views of it.  Did you know, that according the the Merck Manual, humans fart an average of 13 times a day.  My gastrointestinal doctor tells me that flatulence is a combination of swallowed air and bacteria in our digestive system.  He says that men have a bit more than women - probably because they eat faster and swallow more air.  

     For years I was unable to "fart."  Even the word was not used in polite society.  One poofered or expelled wind or fluffed or fizzed.  There are probably as many words for farts as there are farts.

Click here for a "Fart Thesaurus" if that is of interest for you.

Top Ten Fart Types:

• Quiet, non odoriferous wind: this is by far the fart of choice
• Quiet, odoriferous gas: this is the scary one - the one that sneaks out by surprise and is the most embarrassing of all
• High pitched squeaker fart with or without odor:  this is what happens if you try and suppress a fart
• Many in a row popper farts with or without odor:  this is similar to the squeaker fart but more noticeable unless you happen to have bubble wrap in hand
• Low pitched blast fart with or without odor:  this happens when you are in a totally relaxed state and may or may not be something that occurs in public
• The bend over and fart fart with or without odor:  this is caused by physical activity of various kinds
• The hide behind the door eavesdropping and get discovered fart with or without odor:  this is a humbling kind of fart reminding you that you cannot mess with mother nature - especially when trying to be incognito
• The freedom fart which doesn't matter if there is odor or not:  this is by far the best fart because you are alone and hopefully outdoors and really relaxed 
• Hot farts - always oderiferous:   can be caused by ingesting spices or beer and deviled eggs
• Historical King Tutankhamun fart:  these farts are mostly found in young men's gatherings - they are also known as "toots in common" or "farts in unison"  (note to new mothers - NEVER leave a group of young men in your home with all of the windows closed)

Ten Top Locations Where Farts Can (and do) Occur

• Couch farts:  The sound is muffled but if it is odoriferous it can waft into the room for hours or worse yet - an unsuspecting new couch sitter will be engulfed with the residual
• Bed farts:  The sound is sometimes muffled and sometimes not depending on the sleep status of the fartor.  Following one or more of these farts it is sometimes necessary to flap the sheets lest the odoriferous air will encircle the sleeper(s) in the bed.
•  Bathtub farts:  These are delightful and generally not odoriferous.  Young children love watching bubble farts in the bathtub.  You can simulate this occurrence by capturing air in a washcloth and squeezing it under water. 
• The dog did it fart:  The sound is always muffled but the fragrance is detectable by other people in the room.  The fartor generally looks around and says to the unsuspecting sleeping dog - "Bad Dog!"  (And by the way, real dog farts are in a class all by themselves!)
• Turn up the volume bathroom farts:  These are mostly noticed in homes where guest bathrooms are located near living rooms and the insulation in the walls is not optimal.  The noise being enough of a "tell" - one hopes these are of the non-odor type.
• Retail environment farts:  These are found in aisles by unsuspecting shoppers.  One turns down an aisle and the odor is there - hovering.  The task is to exit the aisle before anyone thinks "you did it."
• Elevator farts:  You've been in the meeting for hours and you are grateful that the elevator is empty.  You relieve your painful amount of collected odoriferous air only to gasp when the elevator door opens and there are others ready to board. 
•  Airplane farts:  These generally occur following an airplane meal.  The way the seats are configured, wind from the seat directly in front of you allows fart-air to waft directly into your waiting nose. 
• The Man-Cave fart:  Refer to young men group farts.  As the male species ages - so does their wind.  Leaving the entrance door to a man cave closed (while the man is in it) is okay in the summer when the windows are open.  (Definitely not a good idea in the winter when the windows are closed.)
• Bathtub farts:  These are delightful and generally not odoriferous.  Young children love watching bubble farts in the bathtub.  You can simulate this occurrence by capturing air in a washcloth and squeezing it under water.  

 Finally an anecdote about farts:  I personally believe that motorcycle engine noises are made to emulate a man's fart image.  Check it out - Japanese men are fairly uptight.  Their motorcycles emit a very high pitched sound, much like a tight cheeked fart. 

The American made Harley Davidson motorcycle, on the other hand,  lets out a blapper - much like the relaxed nature of a comfortable wealthy man American man.